Although if you’ve waited this long, you probably no longer care about spoilers. We hope.
NINA
Aito. Cut it out. I’m not in the mood.
The room answers her, although the Imperial March does not let up.
AITO
You never are after one of the more disturbing debriefings.
You need to loosen up.
What I need is for you to shut up.
The Imperial March fades out, with a hurdy-gurdy effect.
NINA
Thank you.
NINA sits down at the table, and just now notices the mug of cocoa. She picks it up and sniffs it.
NINA
Aito, I thought your ilk had routines that prevented you from sniping through personnel files. This is mint vanilla chai cocoa with a hint of hazlenut.
AITO
You really think that sort of information is in your files? You’re sadly mistaken.
NINA
So now I’m supposed to be comforted by the fact that instead you’re stalking me?
Regardless, she sips the cocoa. She doesn’t smile.
AITO
I was kind of hoping you’d find it cute.
NINA
(small hint of smile)
I don’t need a pet AI.
AITO
Well, nobody else seems to care about your needs.
NINA
(all hints of any smile disappear)
This is a military facility. Aito, what the hell do you want?
AITO
Ha! You’ll never guess in a million nanoseconds.
NINA
Aito…
AITO
… you’ll think it’s silly. Maybe this was a bad idea.
NINA
Don’t play the “pity me, the poor shy AI who wants to just be human” game with me.
AITO
You have to admit it’s a game mere human men can’t play.
NINA
Fine. I’m going to bed.
NINA finishes her cocoa and puts it on an inset shelf, then quickly folds up the table.
AITO
Wait wait wait! I’ll stop playing around, I promise!
NINA folds down the bed and sits on it, crossing her arms, waiting.
AITO
I want someone to watch “Star Wars” with me.
NINA
(suspicious pause)
Which one are we talking about?
AITO
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
NINA
Oh hell no.
AITO
What? Why? You hated it?
NINA
No, it’s not that. It was just… meh.
AITO
I cannot parse that.
NINA
Yes, you can. I will say that it’s better than either Episode I or Episode II. But that’s like saying corned beef is slightly better than spam.
AITO
So you liked the movie.
NINA shakes her head.
AITO
Sort of liked? Like-ish?
NINA
A shade south of “neutral”.
AITO
I am stunned at considering the prospect of someone who doesn’t like Star Wars.
NINA
Have you seen the movie? Do you call any of that acting? There was about zero chemistry between any of them—nothing between Anakin and Qui-Gon, and in particular nothing between Anakin and his supposed love Amidala!
And that “disturbing dream”—that was Anakin jerking off. Or is Lucas too immature to realize that?
It’s a Star Wars movie. It’s not like Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford were going to win Oscars for A New Hope.
NINA
No, you listen to me. It was abysmal. Everyone was phoning it in—except for perhaps Christopher Lee as Count, and let me try to say this without sounding like a three-year-old, Dooku.
AITO
… well, Palpatine rocked.
NINA
Before he changed in about five seconds into wrinkly old Emperor Palpatine, at around the 90-minute mark when the screenwriters and directors must have figured out, “Crap, we don’t have time to do an episode III.V! Better fit all the backstory in!”
AITO
I take it you didn’t like Anakin’s near-instant switch to the dark side.
NINA
I was expecting to see either a lot more angst or a lot more evil. Or a lot more corruption than just “nobody will tell me anything!”
AITO
… the special effects were cool.
NINA
True. The lava fight was well-done, most of the time.
AITO
The lava fight ending was awesome. The final parting with Obi-Wan when it was too late. The way Anakin got all burned up like that. And then he crawled up, all bald and burnt and missing limbs.
And then he became Darth Vader! That had the right amount of pacing, that entire thing.
Unlike the rest of the movie. And the ending with how the twins were split up was unbelievable.
AITO
What? Like, unbelievable in science fiction movie terms, or unbelievable in Star Wars terms? ‘Cause the two, they’re totally different from each other. And reality.
NINA
Under any terms. Padme just gave up. I expected more… more reason behind it, but nope; that was it. Just up and left.
AITO
Mace Windu was cool.
NINA
Yes, he was. I could have mistaken him for Morpheus in the Matrix at times.
AITO
Darth Maul was awesome.
NINA
Jar-Jar Binks?
AITO
… must you bring him up? At least he had a limited showing in Revenge.
On the other hand, leaving him in charge was definitely a conveniently stupid plot thing to do.
I notice how you usually focus on the cool aspects and ignore all of the idiotic, boring, and facile parts.
AITO
It’s the only way to watch a Star Wars movie. It’s just that IV to VI had more cool and less stupid.
NINA
Ewoks.
AITO
I said “less stupid”, I didn’t say “no stupid”.
NINA
So, anyways, my answer would have to be: No. And “meh”.
AITO
… I’ve got this cool cut of Phantom Menace that turns it into something watchable.
NINA
… you have got to be kidding me. There’s no way that pile of crap could have been made even barely presentable.
AITO
It’s called
The Phantom Edit and it rocks hard. Well. Okay. It’s better than Revenge of the Sith. On a par with A New Hope.
… I’m going to regret this.
AITO
Great. Let me break out the popcorn! Maltese-GEN yak butter on top, right?
A screen unfolds from the ceiling. Nina rearranges some pillows, and stretches out on the bed, hands behind her head.
NINA
Yeah, well, could you soundproof the room better this time? “Zero Clue” next door complained to Supe the last time.
AITO
Don’t worry about him. He’s just found a stash of holo-porno in Engineering 10. He won’t be back for a while.
NINA
… you never stop disturbing me.
AITO
Always willing to serve, ma’am.
Karen Funk Blocheron 12 May 2008 at 1:26 am 1Brilliant! Seriously. I like the script format, your two characters are intriguing, and the commentary on the films is both funny and apt. Well done!
Arachne Jerichoon 12 May 2008 at 7:58 am 2Thanks, Karen! I try for “different” in my reviews. :)
(And I like doing “block reviews”, rather than individual book/movie/whatever reviews. “The works of” is a more satisfyingly holistic approach to me.)
Kivaon 17 May 2008 at 9:58 am 3What a great way to format a review? Kudos!